| Printed in Chashm-Andaaz Magazine, Apr/May 1999 Sexuality and Power in the Iranian-American Community: The dilemma of “virginity” and its psychological and emotional effects on Iranian men and women. By: Elham (Ellie) Ezzati, M.A., C.M.T. |
The “dilemma” of virginity in women has been one of the most controversial if not the most problematic
issue for many people within every culture at one point in time or history. Today, however, we
understand that the problems created around this issue are not about virginity per se, but rather more
about sexuality and power in general. Often times when an illness or a disease progresses, the
symptom tends to become the focus of attention and what caused the illness in the first place is
neglected or forgotten. Similarly, in most Iranian families, virginity in women is often the focus of
attention rather than issues of power and control.
Sexuality is an important aspect of human life and close observation and scrutiny will inevitably create
a range of thoughts and feelings around it. This article is an attempt to break down existing
psychological and emotional barriers while bringing greater awareness to the readers. It is my hope
that someday we may come together to dialogue around such difficult topics in order to create healthier
solutions for these current problems.
Sexuality to all cultures signifies something different but at the same time it has many similar
connotations. In most cultures of the world sexuality is synonymous with power, control, individuality as
well as creativity and passion. The Iranian culture has been traditionally and historically filled with
wonderful and picturesque stories, poetry, mythology and epics of lovers and beloveds seeking one
another throughout life times. Invariably, not only is our tradition filled with stories of Ethos or morality
and ethics but also of great stories of Eros or passion, seduction and enticement.
My question is, if our rich culture entails so many profound stories of the human and spiritual
conditions, why is there such a vast difference between how we view our sexuality today as opposed to
the way it is depicted in our traditional and cultural epistemology?
The historic implicationsof this question needs to be considered as it is pertinent in understanding how
we as a people operate today. It is understood that many centuries ago before people had placed any
judgment or values upon sexuality, its act was carried out quite naturally and frequently. Of course, in
those days contraceptives were not as easily understood and very soon people came to understand that
sexual activities often lead to pregnancy. Also, infidelity ran rampant among both men and women.
Thus, the people faced a common problem—How could the frequency of sexual encounters be reduced
in order to prevent illegitimate pregnancies as well as infidelity?
Given that the Iranian culture is a patriarchal society, men have traditionally laid down the rules, norms
and values. With this understanding, it only made sense then to only curb and control the sexual
behavior of women. Because it is the woman who carries the offspring and therefore publicly shows the
consequence of having engaged in sexual activity she became the target of control rather than the men.
One way to control the sexual behavior in women was to place judgments and values upon them if they
engaged in any form of sexual activity outside the marriage. Slandering and even ostracizing them
gradually became a strong measure in controlling their sexual behavior. While these measures were
taken only with the women, the men were left as before to continue indulging in their sexual appetite.
As time progressed and control over women became stronger, eventually the entire concept or idea of
sexuality in women became a taboo.
The next question is, if the women were being curbed or controlled into not having intercourse, who
were the men having sex with? This particular problem led to subjugation or rendering of women to
certain roles and classes within society. If a woman was single and was not a virgin or she was divorced
from her husband or was unfaithful to him, she was immediately relegated to a lower class of women
and was therefore shamed and looked down upon by others. Once these women lost their position in the
strata of society, they became targets for sexual use and abuse.
Unfortunately, these damaging belief systems still prevail to this day. Even with the presence of
contraceptives and all sorts of devices to control pregnancy, women who choose to be openly sexually
active or are divorced are often labeled with negative and derogatory remarks. The fear of being
slandered or even ostracized from the community is so strong within Iranian women that they often live
with intense emotional and psychological pain. Worst yet, many of these women continue teaching
these belief systems to their young daughters. As a result, generations of young girls are raised
carrying much needless fear, guilt and shame around their own sexuality.
Because sexuality is a natural part of life, no matter how intensely we may want to inhibit it, it often
comes out regardless. If this innate desire does not show itself with in the confines of sexuality, it will
emerge somehow or somewhere in our lives. Unfortunately, when it is not given the proper avenue of
expression it can and often does develop into neurotic or disorderly behaviors seen in other areas of
life.
A common unhealthy behavior practiced among young Iranian-American women is the tendency to
have pre-marital sex up until the time of marriage. Once a suitable partner has been picked for her and
she has agreed to marry, she secretly pays a visit to the gynocologist to repair the torn hymen so that
she may be a virgin again. Sadly, the psychological and emotional ramifications of this behavior have
caused great pain to the women, their husband and their families.
Since traditionally the premise on women’s sexuality has been based on being non-sexual until
marriage, if the woman has been active before marriage, a deep sense of guilt and shame prevails
within her psyche. Not only has she gone against the grain of her culture but she is also starting her
marriage with a lie. As a result, the foundation of the marriage is weakened and the marital bond is
built on shaky ground.
One can see that this is a vicious cycle. If the woman is suffering so will her partner, and if the marriage
is suffering so will the children and the extended families of both individuals.
On the same token, if the woman takes on the preferred or “correct” mannerism in regards to her
sexuality, and stays a virgin until she is married, other psychological and emotional barriers are
created. One of the common outcomes for women who have suppressed their sexuality or did not
engage in any sexual behavior during the early to mid adulthood years is the prospect of becoming
“frigid” or being intensely cold or indifferent towards engaging in any sexual activity.
Because men have historically not been subjected to having their sexual behavior curbed or controlled,
they do not have the same or even similar issues as women. Most often, Iranian men are quite active
before marriage and may be shocked or disappointed to find that their partner seems so cold and
detached from her body. While society tells a man it is good that he is with a virgin woman, his inner
feelings may be contradictory to that belief. So once again, this problem becomes a dilemma for both
the men as well as the women.
Of course in writing about and addressing some of the dilemmas created within our culture, I do not
imply or suggest that taking part in the opposite behavior is what is considered to be better or even
healthier. One can clearly see this in the greater American as well as the European culture. Because
these Western cultures became aware of these issues caused by inhibiting sexuality, their natural
reaction was to engage in free and uninhibited sex starting at a young age. Unfortunately, this belief
system has also proven to be unhealthy to the overall well being of most people living in these cultures.
In conclusion, virginity in Iranian women has been a major concern and a dilemma for many people and
their families. Due to the fact that sexuality has not had a healthier or a more acceptable means of
expression in this community, many people, as a result, have been engaging in adverse behaviors.
These behaviors are causing various psychological and emotional problems in both Iranian women and
men. Learning to talk about these issues and addressing them in healthier settings such as individual or
group counseling can be a more effective approach in dealing with these problems.
________________________
issue for many people within every culture at one point in time or history. Today, however, we
understand that the problems created around this issue are not about virginity per se, but rather more
about sexuality and power in general. Often times when an illness or a disease progresses, the
symptom tends to become the focus of attention and what caused the illness in the first place is
neglected or forgotten. Similarly, in most Iranian families, virginity in women is often the focus of
attention rather than issues of power and control.
Sexuality is an important aspect of human life and close observation and scrutiny will inevitably create
a range of thoughts and feelings around it. This article is an attempt to break down existing
psychological and emotional barriers while bringing greater awareness to the readers. It is my hope
that someday we may come together to dialogue around such difficult topics in order to create healthier
solutions for these current problems.
Sexuality to all cultures signifies something different but at the same time it has many similar
connotations. In most cultures of the world sexuality is synonymous with power, control, individuality as
well as creativity and passion. The Iranian culture has been traditionally and historically filled with
wonderful and picturesque stories, poetry, mythology and epics of lovers and beloveds seeking one
another throughout life times. Invariably, not only is our tradition filled with stories of Ethos or morality
and ethics but also of great stories of Eros or passion, seduction and enticement.
My question is, if our rich culture entails so many profound stories of the human and spiritual
conditions, why is there such a vast difference between how we view our sexuality today as opposed to
the way it is depicted in our traditional and cultural epistemology?
The historic implicationsof this question needs to be considered as it is pertinent in understanding how
we as a people operate today. It is understood that many centuries ago before people had placed any
judgment or values upon sexuality, its act was carried out quite naturally and frequently. Of course, in
those days contraceptives were not as easily understood and very soon people came to understand that
sexual activities often lead to pregnancy. Also, infidelity ran rampant among both men and women.
Thus, the people faced a common problem—How could the frequency of sexual encounters be reduced
in order to prevent illegitimate pregnancies as well as infidelity?
Given that the Iranian culture is a patriarchal society, men have traditionally laid down the rules, norms
and values. With this understanding, it only made sense then to only curb and control the sexual
behavior of women. Because it is the woman who carries the offspring and therefore publicly shows the
consequence of having engaged in sexual activity she became the target of control rather than the men.
One way to control the sexual behavior in women was to place judgments and values upon them if they
engaged in any form of sexual activity outside the marriage. Slandering and even ostracizing them
gradually became a strong measure in controlling their sexual behavior. While these measures were
taken only with the women, the men were left as before to continue indulging in their sexual appetite.
As time progressed and control over women became stronger, eventually the entire concept or idea of
sexuality in women became a taboo.
The next question is, if the women were being curbed or controlled into not having intercourse, who
were the men having sex with? This particular problem led to subjugation or rendering of women to
certain roles and classes within society. If a woman was single and was not a virgin or she was divorced
from her husband or was unfaithful to him, she was immediately relegated to a lower class of women
and was therefore shamed and looked down upon by others. Once these women lost their position in the
strata of society, they became targets for sexual use and abuse.
Unfortunately, these damaging belief systems still prevail to this day. Even with the presence of
contraceptives and all sorts of devices to control pregnancy, women who choose to be openly sexually
active or are divorced are often labeled with negative and derogatory remarks. The fear of being
slandered or even ostracized from the community is so strong within Iranian women that they often live
with intense emotional and psychological pain. Worst yet, many of these women continue teaching
these belief systems to their young daughters. As a result, generations of young girls are raised
carrying much needless fear, guilt and shame around their own sexuality.
Because sexuality is a natural part of life, no matter how intensely we may want to inhibit it, it often
comes out regardless. If this innate desire does not show itself with in the confines of sexuality, it will
emerge somehow or somewhere in our lives. Unfortunately, when it is not given the proper avenue of
expression it can and often does develop into neurotic or disorderly behaviors seen in other areas of
life.
A common unhealthy behavior practiced among young Iranian-American women is the tendency to
have pre-marital sex up until the time of marriage. Once a suitable partner has been picked for her and
she has agreed to marry, she secretly pays a visit to the gynocologist to repair the torn hymen so that
she may be a virgin again. Sadly, the psychological and emotional ramifications of this behavior have
caused great pain to the women, their husband and their families.
Since traditionally the premise on women’s sexuality has been based on being non-sexual until
marriage, if the woman has been active before marriage, a deep sense of guilt and shame prevails
within her psyche. Not only has she gone against the grain of her culture but she is also starting her
marriage with a lie. As a result, the foundation of the marriage is weakened and the marital bond is
built on shaky ground.
One can see that this is a vicious cycle. If the woman is suffering so will her partner, and if the marriage
is suffering so will the children and the extended families of both individuals.
On the same token, if the woman takes on the preferred or “correct” mannerism in regards to her
sexuality, and stays a virgin until she is married, other psychological and emotional barriers are
created. One of the common outcomes for women who have suppressed their sexuality or did not
engage in any sexual behavior during the early to mid adulthood years is the prospect of becoming
“frigid” or being intensely cold or indifferent towards engaging in any sexual activity.
Because men have historically not been subjected to having their sexual behavior curbed or controlled,
they do not have the same or even similar issues as women. Most often, Iranian men are quite active
before marriage and may be shocked or disappointed to find that their partner seems so cold and
detached from her body. While society tells a man it is good that he is with a virgin woman, his inner
feelings may be contradictory to that belief. So once again, this problem becomes a dilemma for both
the men as well as the women.
Of course in writing about and addressing some of the dilemmas created within our culture, I do not
imply or suggest that taking part in the opposite behavior is what is considered to be better or even
healthier. One can clearly see this in the greater American as well as the European culture. Because
these Western cultures became aware of these issues caused by inhibiting sexuality, their natural
reaction was to engage in free and uninhibited sex starting at a young age. Unfortunately, this belief
system has also proven to be unhealthy to the overall well being of most people living in these cultures.
In conclusion, virginity in Iranian women has been a major concern and a dilemma for many people and
their families. Due to the fact that sexuality has not had a healthier or a more acceptable means of
expression in this community, many people, as a result, have been engaging in adverse behaviors.
These behaviors are causing various psychological and emotional problems in both Iranian women and
men. Learning to talk about these issues and addressing them in healthier settings such as individual or
group counseling can be a more effective approach in dealing with these problems.
________________________
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