| Printed in the Iranian Medical Journal, June 2000 & Awareness Magazine, May 2005 Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships By: Elham (Ellie) Ezzati, M.A., C.M.T. |
Nearly one half of all marriages in the United States fail in the first four years. Racial tensions are
rising and becoming more violent. Public's approval of the government is as low as it has ever been in
the past fifty years. International political crises remain unsolved for years at a time. These social,
cultural and political breakdowns are great indications of a need for grand scale behavioral
modifications. Today, perhaps more than ever, the human race can benefit from adopting more
assertive behavior and effective communication.
Assertive behavior is not synonymous with aggressive behavior. While assertiveness aims to resolve
or explain situations with clear, concise and fair communication tactics, aggressive behavior
accomplishes just the opposite. Aggressive communication is often accusatory, abrupt, tense,
authoritarian and fear invoking. The receiver of the aggressive message most often becomes
uncomfortable and defensive, at which point any chance of effective communication fully diminishes.
Assertiveness is a behavioral modification, which requires one to lead a more
examined and self-realized lifestyle. In order to ensure a clear and concise mode of self-expression and
interaction, an assertive individual pays very close attention to his or her timing, body language,
delivery, volume, speech rate and eye contact while addressing others. Assertive behavior decreases
the frequency of breakdowns as well as confusing and painful arguments, especially between parents,
children, lovers and partners.
Lovers, Life Partners & Significant Others
When two individuals choose to be with each other in an intimate relationship, they set out on a journey
towards love, joy, anger, frustration and all other emotions known to a human. It is up to the individuals
sharing this journey to ensure a more pleasant ride. Opening the channels of communication and mutual
respect can bring forth this assurance.
Communicating with a partner is comprised of both speaking openly about and listening to one's ideas,
feelings and goals. Often times we forget how important listening is when attempting to communicate
effectively with others. Becoming a better listener requires one to pay close attention to the words,
gestures, body language, tone and true intent of the speaker. This is to maximize comprehension and
minimize assumptions and confusion.
While engaged in effective or "Active Listening," it is important to hear the actual words being spoken
and not entertain any preconceived notions of what the speaker will say or mean. Try not to jump to
any conclusions while the partner is expressing him or herself, but instead allow him or her to finish
speaking. Jumping to conclusions while the speaker is still communicating prevents the listener from
hearing important facts. Try to "step into the partner's shoes" while the partner is expressing concern
or frustration to better understand the points being made. This does not mean that listener agrees with
the partner's point of view, but instead better understanding may lead to a revision of personal views
about the situation, resulting in a decrease in conflict area.
Offer feedback to the speaker by paraphrasing statements that seem important to him or her. Ask
open-ended questions that will require the speaker to further explain and express their views on the
topic, (i.e. "how did that make you feel?" or, "what do you plan on doing about it?" etc.)
Maintain eye contact with the speaker at all times in order to show interest in what is being said. The
listener should be aware of his or her body language. For example, nodding understandingly will
reassure and validate the speaker. Finally, when a statement is made which invites the listener to
interrupt, he or she should respect the speaker's view, make a mental note and comment on the
statement once the speaker is finished. Rehearsing rebuttals remove the listener from the actual
conversation and end active listening.
Another common interpersonal interaction is passive/aggressive behavior. A person reacts in a
passive/aggressive manner when he or she holds anger but is unable to express it directly and
constructively. Instead, they find other dysfunctional means. For example, when a wife is angry that the
husband comes home late every night, instead of being able to express her anger directly, she finds
other methods of releasing her feelings such as withholding love, blowing up over minor issues, or not
attending parties with him. Such behavior can be detrimental to the well being of the relationship.
Parents and Children
Communication breakdowns occur between parents and their children for a variety of reasons. Be it a
generation gap or a culture-clash, parents and children all over the world share similar conflicts and
resolutions. Criticism presents a major conflict between parents and children. Both can express
criticism, but because of a parent's role as a guardian and provider, it is often the child who mostly
suffers. When a parent chooses to criticize his or her child, it is most important to consider the audience
and become sensitive to the delivery.
It is wise to begin constructive criticism with a positive comment, a compliment or a confidence booster.
Never, follow the compliment with a "but," since this word usually diminishes the effect of the positive
statements. Also, state the problem concisely, and use examples to lend support for the criticism.
Remain calm and try to make the conversation brief in order to minimize the child's discomfort. In
addition, any resulting negative effects should also be shared with the child. Avoid using the word
"you" since it tends to put one on the defensive and defeats the purpose of the conversation. Welcome
feedback. This shows that the parent cares enough to listen as well as criticize. Criticism should always
be done on a one on one basis and in private to avoid any unforeseen or embarrassing problems. The
end result of the conversation should be a mutual agreement upon an action or a next step, ideally on a
high note.
In the past ten years these communication breakdowns have begun to severely impact the Iranian
community here in the United States. For example, divorce rates have increased dramatically.
Marriages of twenty-five years or more are ending in bitter battles. At the same time, marriages of one
year or less are also ending. Family ties that used to be very strong are loosening and often breaking
apart. Iranian families are consistently left with feelings of frustration and anger towards one another
both at home and in the business world, and are finding less viable solutions for resolving their
conflicts. These are all aspects of poor communication skills.
Learning assertive behavior can help these relationships. One effective way to learn assertive behavior
is through individual or family counseling. Counseling can teach people better communication skills,
help resolve conflicts as well as teach better parenting skills. Even though many Iranian families are
now beginning to utilize counseling and therapy for themselves and their families, it is still considered
taboo to seek therapy. There is often a negative stigma attached to seeking counseling, such as being
labeled as insane or crazy. Unfortunately, this thinking stops many people from getting much needed
help and gaining positive results in their life.
In conclusion, it is important to understand that a healthy lifestyle is not a quality that one develops
naturally. Effective communication is a learned behavior and a skill that is an ongoing process. It
requires work, patience and persistence. Once learned, its benefits are long term and offer much
healthier and more satisfying solutions when dealing with conflict.
rising and becoming more violent. Public's approval of the government is as low as it has ever been in
the past fifty years. International political crises remain unsolved for years at a time. These social,
cultural and political breakdowns are great indications of a need for grand scale behavioral
modifications. Today, perhaps more than ever, the human race can benefit from adopting more
assertive behavior and effective communication.
Assertive behavior is not synonymous with aggressive behavior. While assertiveness aims to resolve
or explain situations with clear, concise and fair communication tactics, aggressive behavior
accomplishes just the opposite. Aggressive communication is often accusatory, abrupt, tense,
authoritarian and fear invoking. The receiver of the aggressive message most often becomes
uncomfortable and defensive, at which point any chance of effective communication fully diminishes.
Assertiveness is a behavioral modification, which requires one to lead a more
examined and self-realized lifestyle. In order to ensure a clear and concise mode of self-expression and
interaction, an assertive individual pays very close attention to his or her timing, body language,
delivery, volume, speech rate and eye contact while addressing others. Assertive behavior decreases
the frequency of breakdowns as well as confusing and painful arguments, especially between parents,
children, lovers and partners.
Lovers, Life Partners & Significant Others
When two individuals choose to be with each other in an intimate relationship, they set out on a journey
towards love, joy, anger, frustration and all other emotions known to a human. It is up to the individuals
sharing this journey to ensure a more pleasant ride. Opening the channels of communication and mutual
respect can bring forth this assurance.
Communicating with a partner is comprised of both speaking openly about and listening to one's ideas,
feelings and goals. Often times we forget how important listening is when attempting to communicate
effectively with others. Becoming a better listener requires one to pay close attention to the words,
gestures, body language, tone and true intent of the speaker. This is to maximize comprehension and
minimize assumptions and confusion.
While engaged in effective or "Active Listening," it is important to hear the actual words being spoken
and not entertain any preconceived notions of what the speaker will say or mean. Try not to jump to
any conclusions while the partner is expressing him or herself, but instead allow him or her to finish
speaking. Jumping to conclusions while the speaker is still communicating prevents the listener from
hearing important facts. Try to "step into the partner's shoes" while the partner is expressing concern
or frustration to better understand the points being made. This does not mean that listener agrees with
the partner's point of view, but instead better understanding may lead to a revision of personal views
about the situation, resulting in a decrease in conflict area.
Offer feedback to the speaker by paraphrasing statements that seem important to him or her. Ask
open-ended questions that will require the speaker to further explain and express their views on the
topic, (i.e. "how did that make you feel?" or, "what do you plan on doing about it?" etc.)
Maintain eye contact with the speaker at all times in order to show interest in what is being said. The
listener should be aware of his or her body language. For example, nodding understandingly will
reassure and validate the speaker. Finally, when a statement is made which invites the listener to
interrupt, he or she should respect the speaker's view, make a mental note and comment on the
statement once the speaker is finished. Rehearsing rebuttals remove the listener from the actual
conversation and end active listening.
Another common interpersonal interaction is passive/aggressive behavior. A person reacts in a
passive/aggressive manner when he or she holds anger but is unable to express it directly and
constructively. Instead, they find other dysfunctional means. For example, when a wife is angry that the
husband comes home late every night, instead of being able to express her anger directly, she finds
other methods of releasing her feelings such as withholding love, blowing up over minor issues, or not
attending parties with him. Such behavior can be detrimental to the well being of the relationship.
Parents and Children
Communication breakdowns occur between parents and their children for a variety of reasons. Be it a
generation gap or a culture-clash, parents and children all over the world share similar conflicts and
resolutions. Criticism presents a major conflict between parents and children. Both can express
criticism, but because of a parent's role as a guardian and provider, it is often the child who mostly
suffers. When a parent chooses to criticize his or her child, it is most important to consider the audience
and become sensitive to the delivery.
It is wise to begin constructive criticism with a positive comment, a compliment or a confidence booster.
Never, follow the compliment with a "but," since this word usually diminishes the effect of the positive
statements. Also, state the problem concisely, and use examples to lend support for the criticism.
Remain calm and try to make the conversation brief in order to minimize the child's discomfort. In
addition, any resulting negative effects should also be shared with the child. Avoid using the word
"you" since it tends to put one on the defensive and defeats the purpose of the conversation. Welcome
feedback. This shows that the parent cares enough to listen as well as criticize. Criticism should always
be done on a one on one basis and in private to avoid any unforeseen or embarrassing problems. The
end result of the conversation should be a mutual agreement upon an action or a next step, ideally on a
high note.
In the past ten years these communication breakdowns have begun to severely impact the Iranian
community here in the United States. For example, divorce rates have increased dramatically.
Marriages of twenty-five years or more are ending in bitter battles. At the same time, marriages of one
year or less are also ending. Family ties that used to be very strong are loosening and often breaking
apart. Iranian families are consistently left with feelings of frustration and anger towards one another
both at home and in the business world, and are finding less viable solutions for resolving their
conflicts. These are all aspects of poor communication skills.
Learning assertive behavior can help these relationships. One effective way to learn assertive behavior
is through individual or family counseling. Counseling can teach people better communication skills,
help resolve conflicts as well as teach better parenting skills. Even though many Iranian families are
now beginning to utilize counseling and therapy for themselves and their families, it is still considered
taboo to seek therapy. There is often a negative stigma attached to seeking counseling, such as being
labeled as insane or crazy. Unfortunately, this thinking stops many people from getting much needed
help and gaining positive results in their life.
In conclusion, it is important to understand that a healthy lifestyle is not a quality that one develops
naturally. Effective communication is a learned behavior and a skill that is an ongoing process. It
requires work, patience and persistence. Once learned, its benefits are long term and offer much
healthier and more satisfying solutions when dealing with conflict.
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