| Printed in the Iranian Medical Journal, Nov. 2000 Domestic Violence in Iranian Homes: A look at the cycle of abuse within the family By: Elham (Ellie) Ezzati, M.A., C.M.T. |
According to the Journal of American Medical Association (1998), male partners kill over half of all
women murdered in the United States. Domestic violence is a serious epidemic in this country. Since
men are generally the physically stronger sex, it is the women and children that are mainly at risk for
being victims of domestic violence. People of all backgrounds can be a victim of domestic
violence…young, old, rich, poor, Jewish, Christian, Moslem, professional and unemployed. Abuse is
about control. It is one person scaring another person into doing what he wants her to do. It is not just
one hit. It is a pattern. It is usually a whole series of behaviors used to get and keep control. Violence
takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. Examples of domestic violence are:
Emotional abuse
Calling you names such as stupid, ugly, fat, crazy, etc; yelling; mind games; making you feel crazy;
making you always feel wrong; humiliating you; not allowing privacy; stalking you.
Physical abuse
Pushing; hitting; kicking; biting; pulling hair; throwing; grabbing; punching; choking; using a weapon;
not letting you sleep; driving dangerously.
Sexual abuse
Rape; forcing sex after physical abuse; forcing sex in front of children or others; forcing unwanted
sexual acts; withholding sex as punishment.
Economic abuse
Withholding money or being prevented from getting or holding a job;
controlling your money; not letting you get a job; not letting you know about or have access to income;
recklessly spending or gambling money; destroying your property or valuables.
Isolation
Using jealousy; preventing you from going out, getting a job, going to school, seeing your family and
friends; intimidating family and friends so they won’t see you anymore.
Using Religion/ spirituality
Insulting your religious/ spiritual beliefs; using religious/ spiritual beliefs to justify abuse; using
religious/ spiritual practices against you such as spells or curses.
Using children/ family/ friends or pets
Abusing the children; using guilt about children/family; making children/ family/ friends blame you;
threatening to take or harm children; threatening or hurting family/ friends/ pets.
Domestic violence is a great problem in many Iranian homes. Many women and children are being
abused daily and some times even murdered without anything being done about it. Even though as a
group Iranians have lived in the United States over twenty years, there are still no statistics, shelters,
hotlines or social service agencies available to this community that specifically deal with this issue.
There are many social, cultural and psychological factors that interfere with this. Namely, as a group
we do not think domestic violence is a big issue and even if it is, it should not be talked about or
discussed out side of the family. Other reasons why Iranians generally do not reach out and disclose
this information is because of limited English-language skills, acceptance of being abused due to
cultural conditioning, lack of knowledge of the law, and fear of being exposed and cast away from their
family and community.
Based on the report of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (1996), there are some statistics
on Asian and Pacific Islander women that may be the closest to what we are facing in the Iranian
community.
· Accidents and unintentional injuries including those resulting from domestic violence is the fourth
leading cause of death among Asian women in the U.S.
· In the U.S. violence against Asian women causes more injuries than total injuries from rape,
muggings, and car accidents.
· Thirty-five percent of Asian women who visit emergency rooms said their injuries were due to
their partner’s abuse.
· Currently, the Asian women’s shelter in San Francisco turns away 75% in need due to lack of
space.
· There are only seven women’s shelters in the U.S. that provide multilingual and culturally
sensitive services to battered Asian immigrant women and their children.
Just like the victims, there are no “typical” abusers. Anyone can be an abuser. On the surface, abusers
may appear to be good providers, loving partners and law-abiding citizens; but their abusive behavior
toward their victims can lead to severe injury and even to murder. However, a person who uses any
form of violence to control or manipulate a partner often has a low self-esteem, may refuse to accept
responsibility for the violence, and believes the violence is justified. Often the abuser will attempt to
excuse the behavior or blame the victim for causing it. The tendency to use abuse as a control tactic is
aggravated by the use of drugs and alcohol.
Abuse is a learned behavior and is often passed down from generation to generation. Male children
who were abused while growing up or saw their mother be abused tend to become abusers as adults.
Female children, who were abused while growing up or saw their mother being abused, tend to become
victims of domestic violence as adults. While it is difficult to break the cycle of violence, the good news
is that abusive behavior can be overcome with proper treatment and counseling.
Recently I interviewed two known Iranian psychologists who deal with the issue of domestic violence in
their practice. In 1995 Drs. Miller and Galdjie started the Iranian Counseling Center in Marina Del
Rey, California. There they see an average of twenty-five Iranian clients per week. This is not a huge
number of clients compared to other communities seeking psychological help. Out of these clients
ninety nine percent are women ranging between the ages of twenty and sixty. They are of Armenian,
Jewish and Moslem decent. Both psychologists have observed that while it is usually the women who
call first and come into therapy, it is often their husbands or male partners that tend to stay longer.
The main concern for both therapists is that the majority of clients who do seek help do not stay long
term. They report, “Often times Iranian clients want a quick fix for their problems and expect that a
few sessions of counseling will resolve years of conflict.” Doctor Miller goes on to say that, “…this is
an unrealistic expectation and once they make this discovery, many become easily discouraged and
terminate their therapy prematurely.” Another discouraging factor for most Iranians is, “…they
believe by coming into therapy they think they can change their partner. This is a poor motive for
seeking therapy. We cannot change anyone no matter what we do or how much we try. A person
changes if and only if they wish to change.” However, often times she says, couples invest years of
work to changing their partner into what they think they should do and be, all to no avail. Soon those
who come into therapy find out that the focus will be on them rather than their partner, as a result, they
become discouraged and terminate therapy shortly after.
This is a very frustrating concern for many mental health professionals. If the client is not willing to
take the time it takes to come in and commit to the therapeutic process, then there is limited progress.
It takes willingness, work and patience on behalf of the client to see effective results in therapy.
Change does not occur over night and change is not easy. But when people do apply themselves and
persevere towards a healthier life style, the growth that happens for them creates many positive
changes in their life.
Dr. Galdjie states that domestic violence is a very sensitive issue and one that is very difficult to talk
about in all cultures. She believes that some of the main reasons why Iranian women generally don’t
reach out for help are due to the social stigma and the shame that is attached to being battered. Also
hindering future marriage possibilities for their children, as well as the fear of ending up divorced is a
major concern for these women. She goes on to say that while these are valid reasons for not wanting to
seek help, there are far worse consequences for not getting the help they need if they are being
abused. She says, “Not only does domestic violence affect the adults but it has long lasting negative
effects on the children too.” Many children who come from abusive homes have difficulty adjusting as
adults. Often times they end up in poor relationships themselves have dissatisfying jobs and careers
and tend to become isolated and not have close friends.
Dr. Miller reports that most people have a misconception about battered women. She says many of
the friends and family members of battered women tell them to just leave. But the majority of women
don’t leave or they leave for a short period of time only to return to the unhealthy relationship and
continue putting up with the abuse. The same people gradually become tired of telling them to leave
and eventually give-up in frustration. She explains that there are many reasons why women stay with
their abusive partners. Typically, battered women have no skills outside the home. They may not speak
English, nor have any outside work experience. Even if they did leave they wouldn’t know where to go,
especially if they have small children. Also, the fear of being injured more or even killed for trying to
get away keeps many women from leaving. Finally, women who have been abused struggle with very
low self-esteem. They don’t think they deserve a better life. This self-defeating attitude keeps them
bound to their abuser. Dr. Miller suggests that if you have a friend whom you know is a victim of
violence telling them to just leave doesn’t necessarily help. It is not that easy. However, if they were
willing to go to see a therapist, you could help them by making an appointment for them and even going
with them to their first appointment.
Even though it is very hard to admit to being abused or to reach out for help, there are many
advantages to breaking the cycle of abuse. Some of the benefits are:
1) You and your loved ones’ lives will no longer be of threat.
2) You can start a new life over again, normally.
3) The batterer will be treated professionally for their behavior.
4) You will be one of many who will be recognized and acknowledged for the benefit of others that
are facing domestic violence.
In closing, I asked both therapists what message they have for our Iranian readers. They replied, “It
is o.k. to get help. Don’t suffer alone. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t wait until you are on the verge of
suicide to call, reach out for help before it is too late.”
For people interested in asking more questions about domestic violence or if concerned about a friend
or a family member, listed below are some phone numbers to local hotlines and agencies. These calls
can be made anonymously.
LACAAW (Los Angeles Commission on Assault Against Women)
Hotline
English and Farsi
310-392-8381
Iranian Counseling Center
English and Farsi
310-390-0661
Muslims Against Family Violence
24 hr. hotline
English only
800-909-1606
Jewish Family Services
English and Farsi
323-937-5900
women murdered in the United States. Domestic violence is a serious epidemic in this country. Since
men are generally the physically stronger sex, it is the women and children that are mainly at risk for
being victims of domestic violence. People of all backgrounds can be a victim of domestic
violence…young, old, rich, poor, Jewish, Christian, Moslem, professional and unemployed. Abuse is
about control. It is one person scaring another person into doing what he wants her to do. It is not just
one hit. It is a pattern. It is usually a whole series of behaviors used to get and keep control. Violence
takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. Examples of domestic violence are:
Emotional abuse
Calling you names such as stupid, ugly, fat, crazy, etc; yelling; mind games; making you feel crazy;
making you always feel wrong; humiliating you; not allowing privacy; stalking you.
Physical abuse
Pushing; hitting; kicking; biting; pulling hair; throwing; grabbing; punching; choking; using a weapon;
not letting you sleep; driving dangerously.
Sexual abuse
Rape; forcing sex after physical abuse; forcing sex in front of children or others; forcing unwanted
sexual acts; withholding sex as punishment.
Economic abuse
Withholding money or being prevented from getting or holding a job;
controlling your money; not letting you get a job; not letting you know about or have access to income;
recklessly spending or gambling money; destroying your property or valuables.
Isolation
Using jealousy; preventing you from going out, getting a job, going to school, seeing your family and
friends; intimidating family and friends so they won’t see you anymore.
Using Religion/ spirituality
Insulting your religious/ spiritual beliefs; using religious/ spiritual beliefs to justify abuse; using
religious/ spiritual practices against you such as spells or curses.
Using children/ family/ friends or pets
Abusing the children; using guilt about children/family; making children/ family/ friends blame you;
threatening to take or harm children; threatening or hurting family/ friends/ pets.
Domestic violence is a great problem in many Iranian homes. Many women and children are being
abused daily and some times even murdered without anything being done about it. Even though as a
group Iranians have lived in the United States over twenty years, there are still no statistics, shelters,
hotlines or social service agencies available to this community that specifically deal with this issue.
There are many social, cultural and psychological factors that interfere with this. Namely, as a group
we do not think domestic violence is a big issue and even if it is, it should not be talked about or
discussed out side of the family. Other reasons why Iranians generally do not reach out and disclose
this information is because of limited English-language skills, acceptance of being abused due to
cultural conditioning, lack of knowledge of the law, and fear of being exposed and cast away from their
family and community.
Based on the report of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (1996), there are some statistics
on Asian and Pacific Islander women that may be the closest to what we are facing in the Iranian
community.
· Accidents and unintentional injuries including those resulting from domestic violence is the fourth
leading cause of death among Asian women in the U.S.
· In the U.S. violence against Asian women causes more injuries than total injuries from rape,
muggings, and car accidents.
· Thirty-five percent of Asian women who visit emergency rooms said their injuries were due to
their partner’s abuse.
· Currently, the Asian women’s shelter in San Francisco turns away 75% in need due to lack of
space.
· There are only seven women’s shelters in the U.S. that provide multilingual and culturally
sensitive services to battered Asian immigrant women and their children.
Just like the victims, there are no “typical” abusers. Anyone can be an abuser. On the surface, abusers
may appear to be good providers, loving partners and law-abiding citizens; but their abusive behavior
toward their victims can lead to severe injury and even to murder. However, a person who uses any
form of violence to control or manipulate a partner often has a low self-esteem, may refuse to accept
responsibility for the violence, and believes the violence is justified. Often the abuser will attempt to
excuse the behavior or blame the victim for causing it. The tendency to use abuse as a control tactic is
aggravated by the use of drugs and alcohol.
Abuse is a learned behavior and is often passed down from generation to generation. Male children
who were abused while growing up or saw their mother be abused tend to become abusers as adults.
Female children, who were abused while growing up or saw their mother being abused, tend to become
victims of domestic violence as adults. While it is difficult to break the cycle of violence, the good news
is that abusive behavior can be overcome with proper treatment and counseling.
Recently I interviewed two known Iranian psychologists who deal with the issue of domestic violence in
their practice. In 1995 Drs. Miller and Galdjie started the Iranian Counseling Center in Marina Del
Rey, California. There they see an average of twenty-five Iranian clients per week. This is not a huge
number of clients compared to other communities seeking psychological help. Out of these clients
ninety nine percent are women ranging between the ages of twenty and sixty. They are of Armenian,
Jewish and Moslem decent. Both psychologists have observed that while it is usually the women who
call first and come into therapy, it is often their husbands or male partners that tend to stay longer.
The main concern for both therapists is that the majority of clients who do seek help do not stay long
term. They report, “Often times Iranian clients want a quick fix for their problems and expect that a
few sessions of counseling will resolve years of conflict.” Doctor Miller goes on to say that, “…this is
an unrealistic expectation and once they make this discovery, many become easily discouraged and
terminate their therapy prematurely.” Another discouraging factor for most Iranians is, “…they
believe by coming into therapy they think they can change their partner. This is a poor motive for
seeking therapy. We cannot change anyone no matter what we do or how much we try. A person
changes if and only if they wish to change.” However, often times she says, couples invest years of
work to changing their partner into what they think they should do and be, all to no avail. Soon those
who come into therapy find out that the focus will be on them rather than their partner, as a result, they
become discouraged and terminate therapy shortly after.
This is a very frustrating concern for many mental health professionals. If the client is not willing to
take the time it takes to come in and commit to the therapeutic process, then there is limited progress.
It takes willingness, work and patience on behalf of the client to see effective results in therapy.
Change does not occur over night and change is not easy. But when people do apply themselves and
persevere towards a healthier life style, the growth that happens for them creates many positive
changes in their life.
Dr. Galdjie states that domestic violence is a very sensitive issue and one that is very difficult to talk
about in all cultures. She believes that some of the main reasons why Iranian women generally don’t
reach out for help are due to the social stigma and the shame that is attached to being battered. Also
hindering future marriage possibilities for their children, as well as the fear of ending up divorced is a
major concern for these women. She goes on to say that while these are valid reasons for not wanting to
seek help, there are far worse consequences for not getting the help they need if they are being
abused. She says, “Not only does domestic violence affect the adults but it has long lasting negative
effects on the children too.” Many children who come from abusive homes have difficulty adjusting as
adults. Often times they end up in poor relationships themselves have dissatisfying jobs and careers
and tend to become isolated and not have close friends.
Dr. Miller reports that most people have a misconception about battered women. She says many of
the friends and family members of battered women tell them to just leave. But the majority of women
don’t leave or they leave for a short period of time only to return to the unhealthy relationship and
continue putting up with the abuse. The same people gradually become tired of telling them to leave
and eventually give-up in frustration. She explains that there are many reasons why women stay with
their abusive partners. Typically, battered women have no skills outside the home. They may not speak
English, nor have any outside work experience. Even if they did leave they wouldn’t know where to go,
especially if they have small children. Also, the fear of being injured more or even killed for trying to
get away keeps many women from leaving. Finally, women who have been abused struggle with very
low self-esteem. They don’t think they deserve a better life. This self-defeating attitude keeps them
bound to their abuser. Dr. Miller suggests that if you have a friend whom you know is a victim of
violence telling them to just leave doesn’t necessarily help. It is not that easy. However, if they were
willing to go to see a therapist, you could help them by making an appointment for them and even going
with them to their first appointment.
Even though it is very hard to admit to being abused or to reach out for help, there are many
advantages to breaking the cycle of abuse. Some of the benefits are:
1) You and your loved ones’ lives will no longer be of threat.
2) You can start a new life over again, normally.
3) The batterer will be treated professionally for their behavior.
4) You will be one of many who will be recognized and acknowledged for the benefit of others that
are facing domestic violence.
In closing, I asked both therapists what message they have for our Iranian readers. They replied, “It
is o.k. to get help. Don’t suffer alone. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t wait until you are on the verge of
suicide to call, reach out for help before it is too late.”
For people interested in asking more questions about domestic violence or if concerned about a friend
or a family member, listed below are some phone numbers to local hotlines and agencies. These calls
can be made anonymously.
LACAAW (Los Angeles Commission on Assault Against Women)
Hotline
English and Farsi
310-392-8381
Iranian Counseling Center
English and Farsi
310-390-0661
Muslims Against Family Violence
24 hr. hotline
English only
800-909-1606
Jewish Family Services
English and Farsi
323-937-5900
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